This is the bleakest football pitch I have ever seen. You have to be Sherpa Tensing to get up the hill towards the goal. You finally make it up near the penalty box. The air is thin, your legs are like jelly and shaking from sheer exhaustion as you give the ball a final boot – only to see it lose momentum, roll back towards you, then bump and bounce down the hill and into the road. Onto the M77 motorway. Game over. Glasgow, you’re mental.